A sketch I just wrote for Newsrevue about this news story.
The Royal Mail has announced that it’s axing 1,700 jobs – meaning that even the most useful and important postal workers could sadly be facing the chop…
MUSIC Postman Pat theme tune
POSTMAN PAT sits across a desk from his BOSS. He is cuddling a black and white toy cat that looks suspiciously like Jess.
PAT’S BOSS Pat, I’m sorry…
POSTMAN PAT Thirty years! Thirty bloody years!
BOSS I know …
PAT I started in 1981! Don’t you remember? The same year as Dangermouse! (stroking cat) There, there, Jess, shh…
BOSS Listen, Pat: I know this isn’t easy, but there has to be layoffs. It’s all part of the Royal Mail’s ‘modernisation programme’.
PAT Modernisation? Are they making us 3D?
BOSS No… It’s just that people aren’t really using snail mail anymore.
PAT Don’t bring Brian from The Magic Roundabout into this!
BOSS Pat, you’re not the only one being affected. Mrs Goggins the postmistress is having to close down the Post Office and convert the shop into a lapdancing parlour.
PAT (visibly shuddering) Ugggh!
BOSS I know. She wants to call it the Peppermint Hippo. (beat) Look, Pat: I want you to know that you’re quite within your rights to contact the Communications Workers Union. I believe they’re considering joint action with that other union… you know, the one headed up by Bob Crow.
SOUND OFF A crow caws
BOSS That’s enough, Bob!
PAT (as if to stop Jess is going after the crow) Down, Jess!
BOSS And I want you to know that we’ll help you find alternative employment elsewhere. Have you thought about Toytown?
PAT (grumpily) It’s full of noddies.
PAT Don’t understand a bloody word they say. (brightening) Ooh, wait, I know!
BOSS What, the place where all the murders happen?
PAT Yes! It’s a lovely English village like Greendale…
BOSS Oh no…
PAT So sweet and genteel and…
BOSS No, no Pat! It’ll never work.
PAT Why not?
BOSS (looking pointedly at Jess) You know…
BOSS (still looking pointedly at Jess) You know..!
PAT looks blank
PAT (stroking Jess protectively) What about Jess?
BOSS She’s black and white! Mixed race! Sorry, Pat, they’ll never allow her in Midsomer.