Sketch: Postman Pat and his redundant cat

A sketch I just wrote for Newsrevue about this news story.

The Royal Mail has announced that it’s axing 1,700 jobs – meaning that even the most useful and important postal workers could sadly be facing the chop…

MUSIC                         Postman Pat theme tune

POSTMAN PAT sits across a desk from his BOSS. He is cuddling a black and white toy cat that looks suspiciously like Jess.

PAT’S BOSS                Pat, I’m sorry…

POSTMAN PAT            Thirty years! Thirty bloody years!

BOSS                           I know …

PAT                              I started in 1981! Don’t you remember? The same year as Dangermouse! (stroking cat) There, there, Jess, shh…

BOSS                           Listen, Pat: I know this isn’t easy, but there has to be layoffs. It’s all part of the Royal Mail’s ‘modernisation programme’.

PAT                              Modernisation? Are they making us 3D?

BOSS                           No… It’s just that people aren’t really using snail mail anymore.

PAT                              Don’t bring Brian from The Magic Roundabout into this!

BOSS                           Pat, you’re not the only one being affected. Mrs Goggins the postmistress is having to close down the Post Office and convert the shop into a lapdancing parlour.

PAT                              (visibly shuddering) Ugggh!

BOSS                           I know.  She wants to call it the Peppermint Hippo. (beat) Look, Pat: I want you to know that you’re quite within your rights to contact the Communications Workers Union. I believe they’re considering joint action with that other union… you know, the one headed up by Bob Crow.

SOUND OFF              A crow caws

BOSS                           That’s enough, Bob!

PAT                              (as if to stop Jess is going after the crow) Down, Jess!

BOSS                           And I want you to know that we’ll help you find alternative employment elsewhere. Have you thought about Toytown?

PAT                              (grumpily) It’s full of noddies.

BOSS                           Balamory?

PAT                              Don’t understand a bloody word they say. (brightening) Ooh, wait, I know!

BOSS                           Yes?

PAT                              Midsomer!

BOSS                           What, the place where all the murders happen?

PAT                              Yes! It’s a lovely English village like Greendale…

BOSS                           Oh no…

PAT                              So sweet and genteel and…

BOSS                           No, no Pat! It’ll never work.

PAT                              Why not?

BOSS                           (looking pointedly at Jess) You know…

PAT                              What?

BOSS                           (still looking pointedly at Jess) You know..!

PAT looks blank

BOSS                           Jess!

PAT                              (stroking Jess protectively) What about Jess?

BOSS                           She’s black and white! Mixed race! Sorry, Pat, they’ll never allow her in Midsomer.