Sketch: The Return Of Paddington

I got another credit on BBC Radio 7’s Newsjack this week – a gag and my very first sketch! You can hear the show here – and below is the original script for the sketch in question (it was edited for the show).  I’ve left it laid out as you lay out radio scripts (apparently. I had to go to the BBC Writers’ Room website to find out how to do so). Anyway, hope you like :).

MILES                      This week, Yale University signed an agreement with Peru to return thousands of Inca artefacts. The event has sent cultural shockwaves throughout the world  – extending even to Britain, where we understand the following exchange took place at the Peruvian Embassy in London.


AMBASSADOR     You know what we want, Senor/a.

GOVT OFFICIAL    Of course, Mr Ambassador. It’s just… Well, we’ve grown awfully fond of him.

AMBASSADOR     I understand. He is adorable. But he belongs to us.

GOVT OFFICIAL    You see, Paddington Bear…

AMBASSADOR     Pastuso.

GOVT OFFICIAL    Yes. Si. Pastuso – Paddington – well, he’s been in Britain for so long, he’s really become one of us.

AMBASSADOR     Of course, but…

GOVT OFFICIAL Look, Mr Ambassador: Paddington eats marmalade sandwiches, drinks cocoa, wears duffle coats and wellington boots… He has become completely assimilated into our culture.

AMBASSADOR   But he’s always giving you hard stares.

GOVT OFFICIAL Well, that is true…

AMBASSADOR   And his outfits? Pah! He only has two: red coat, blue wellingtons; or blue coat, red wellingtons.

GOVT OFFICIAL You shouldn’t just go by the toys, you know.

AMBASSADOR   And his suitcase: it is always packed! It’s like he’s always ready to go… back to Peru!

GOVT OFFICIAL But you asked us to ‘Please look after this bear’!

AMBASSADOR   NO! We did not. Aunt Lucy did.

GOVT OFFICIAL Oh, please. Look: we’ve even named a station after him.

AMBASSADOR   Waterloo?

GOVT OFFICIAL Mr Ambassador, there will be outrage over here if Paddington goes. There’ll be protests in the streets! Mostly by children under eight, admittedly, but…

AMBASSADOR   I’m sorry, Senor/a, but it is a fait accompli. Or whatever the Spanish is for that. You see, Paddington – Pastuso – he stowed away.


AMBASSADOR   Yes. Don’t you remember the first book? Paddington Bear stowed away. Therefore he is…

GOVT OFFICIAL Oh my god… An illegal immigrant?


GOVT OFFICIAL Oh, bugger. Well, in that case he’s all yours, Ambassador. He’s at 32 Windsor Gardens.